Sometimes, I really feel bad for guys. I don’t know if it’s because of my upbringing, but I’ve always had a fondness for the plight of men, simply because I think most people don’t. I know most of them prefer their lives as XY chromosomes because ew periods pregnancy blah blah blah, but the reality is that they get the short end of the stick fairly often in life. You know what’s worse?
No one ever talks about it!
I’m not sure why, but as usual, I’ve got a couple theories:
1. A large part of it probably stems from the women’s movement. Although the initial conception was long ago, the continued rise of feminism has encouraged women to be outspoken about their perceived injustices. That is all well and good and necessary, but somewhere along the way I think men implicitly gathered that they didn’t have injustices, or that if they did, they didn’t really matter by comparison to women’s.
2. I assume it’s also partly because a discussion would quickly spiral into a men vs. women shit-throwing contest of double standards and misconceptions. Considering the number of women who feel passionately about this, I imagine most men just aren’t bothered enough to open that can ‘o worms. There’s probably something about being mindlessly labeled as sexist and misogynistic that just isn’t appealing…
Regardless of the reasoning, I think the unique set of challenges that men face deserves more airtime.
(Obviously, I am not a man. That being said, I’ve observed a number of these over the years enough times to know that they exist. Some are serious and some are light-hearted, because that’s just how I roll. These are also shallow — I definitely don’t examine them to any real depth or from every angle, so no need to point that out. They definitely don’t apply to all men everywhere, but they do apply to plenty of men somewhere.)
- Men should always initiate, preferably with psychic abilities. This is difficult because it involves so much grey area. I love learning about the role biology and psychology play in attraction/dating/relationships, so I understand that we are better suited to men being the chaser and the girl being the chasee. That being said, I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen girls respond coldly to a man’s pursuit because they want him groveling at their feet before they’ll consider giving in a bit. But men aren’t usually grovelers – they are hunters. So when he amps it up a bit and becomes more direct and aggressive (something women claim they want), he’s suddenly discounted as a creeper. We spend so much time talking about how unique we are and that it’s offensive to think we all want the same things, but we expect men to magically know where we stand on the spectrum of romance and ding him when he doesn’t… how is that fair?
- It’s okay for girls to be physical toward guys but not vice versa. Before I go any further, let me put a big fat disclaimer here: I don’t believe in any kind of non-consensual violence, ever. (Yes, there are people out there who enjoy being hit and find people who enjoy hitting them. It’s not my cup ‘o tea, but still, that’s consensual.) The reality is that nobody really bats an eye if a girlfriend slaps her boyfriend because she feels “disrespectedâ€, but everyone would absolutely lose it if he slapped her. Because being slapped in the face isn’t totally disrespectful to a guy, right? (Sarcasm, btw…like how does that even make sense?)
- A 40-year-old woman hitting on a 20-year-old guy = socially acceptable. A 40-year-old man hitting on a 20-year-old woman = sexual harassment. American culture even has a term for the first scenario – “cougar†– and it’s something that is not only socially acceptable (assuming the 20-year-old is into it) but also really hyped up and sought out. Generally, when a 40-year-old man finds chemistry with a 20-year-old woman, he’s going to have to wade through some heavy judgment from others. But why?
- Men are told to be good guys but get shafted by the bad boys. As a woman, this insanely common phenomenon has never made sense to me. I feel so bad for the guy who’s consistently told to be “nice†and “sweet†and only ends up sidelined in the friend-zone to the bad boy asshole that she fell for. Going further, what incentive do the bar douchebags have to be good guys if they keep getting the girls? That’s right: none.
- If a man cheats, it’s his fault. If a woman cheats, it’s his fault. This may be a little “out thereâ€, but I feel like I’ve noticed that infidelity issues are pretty much always pinned on the guy. If the woman cheats, it’s because her partner wasn’t attentive enough or made her feel unwanted, or usually for other reasons that she had full control over changing (i.e. leaving the relationship.) If the man cheats, it’s still his fault because he’s a testosterone-filled pig who can’t keep it in his pants and doesn’t respect her. Apparently, shitty, disrespectful women who cheat don’t exist, and emotionally drained, damaged men don’t either.
- “Dude, you are so whipped.†I HATE watching the internal struggle of a guy who’s fallen in love. It seems so unfair that when a woman is head over heels her friends are giddy for her, but when a guy is, his friends are too busy making fun of him to understand he’s happy. I’ve never understood why it’s uncool or funny to see a guy actually care about a woman, but hey, I have two X chromosomes. (Public Service Announcement to all the bros, broskis, and brosephuses out there: for most of you, there will come a time when you fall head over heels in love with a girl. This could be temporary or it could last; it could be reciprocated, or entirely one-sided; regardless, it will happen at some point. And when it does, you will want to spend every moment of every day with her. You will want to do nice things for her. You will want to sacrifice things for her. This isn’t going to go over well with your friends, but guess what? It will happen to them too. And when it does, you will want to give back all of the shit they gave you with such accrued vengeance that they’re going to wish they had just accepted the fact that you were happy, even if it was an unfamiliar type of happiness, and had let it slide. So do relationships everywhere a favor and just let. it. slide.)
- Women are encouraged to pursue any type of relationship; men are shit on for “only wanting one thing.†First, as a collegiate woman, I have to say that I don’t really think the perception that all women are looking for husbands and all men are looking for playmates is accurate – I know a large handful of girls who only want one thing and an equally large handful of men who are seeking the whole package. Regardless: guys, if you just want a one-night stand or to find a sex kitten, get after it unapologetically. Too often I hear or see society telling men that they should feel guilty because they just want to have fun — it makes me laugh, especially when I consider that it’s usually the same society that’s simultaneously empowering women to explore their own sexual liberation. If everyone would just be upfront about their intentions, needs, and goals, and respect those who differ, it would be a non-issue. Communication solving problems? Who’da thunk it.
- The Toilet Seat Debacle. For ages, men have been told to put the toilet seat down after they use the bathroom because women will have to put it down themselves. This is just the standard rule. But it’s harder for men to pee [cleanly] with the toilet seat down, so why shouldn’t women put the seat back up when they’re done? Even if you grew up putting the lid down each time you used the bathroom, it still doesn’t make sense, because the toilet seat would always be down and thus a non-issue. These are the big issues in men’s rights that need to be considered, y’all…who died and made ladies the Toilet Queens?
- Job recognition. Common sense says that it’s a big deal that more men hold high-paying, powerful jobs than women, right? (Let’s assume for arguments sake that it’s a huge discrepancy, like in the earlier stages of the feminist movement.) So why isn’t it a big deal that the number of men who have “shitty†jobs (janitor, trash man, etc.) far exceeds the number of women with those jobs? I appreciate women’s in the workforce, but let’s make sure to look at the big picture, here.
- It’s chivalry when it’s good and sexism when it’s bad. Although I have an entire post dedicated to the concept of “chivalry†(mostly detailing the reasons why I hate the term), it’s a common word that everyone understands the meaning of, so I’m using it. The reality is that a man can treat a woman with a certain level of delicateness and fragility and it’s considered chivalry, but he can quickly cross into sexist territory with the same comments/behaviors because she thinks he’s insulting her ability to do things for herself. Which end is up?
Okay. I’m done.
Sure, plenty of these double standards and more also apply to women – my point is that we hear about them fairly often. I’m not trying to dismantle the logic behind women’s rights or progressive ideologies; rather, I think it’s important to periodically take some time to think about whatever set of rights it is that we don’t usually spend time on.
Really, I just think the world would be a better place if everyone recognized these issues as valid (and other that are common to gender/various races/ethnicities/religions/etc.) and made an effort to dismantle the skewed logic behind them. That can’t be done unless people accept the fact that they exist!
Men – What do you think? Are these valid double standards or troubles that you know exist? Did I severely misinterpret anything or miss something altogether?
